There were many Christmas Eves when by this time (1o:45 AM) I would have already been on my way to being drunk. If we were visiting relatives, I’d have little wine bottles hidden in my bag, or I’d sneak into the kitchen and find whatever liquor was available and have three or four shots. I’d keep a good base-line buzz until after lunch when I’d find myself alone as family did Christmas things, and then I got down to the real drinking. I’d chew gum, brush my teeth, drink water, even take an alcohol-induced nap…and no one seemed to notice. Perhaps they were so used to be isolating myself–even during Christmas–that they didn’t notice or get to close to me. I spoke little for fear of slurring my words.

During the evening, when it was more acceptable to drink wine, I’d knock it back and replenish myself by darting upstairs and drinking more. To anyone paying attention, I had no more than two glasses of wine on Christmas Eve. I knew the truth, though I vigorously blocked it from my mind: I was probably bordering on alcohol poisoning, as I had many times before. I’m amazed that my drinking history doesn’t include a trip or two to the hospital.

On January 5, 2017, I’ll have two years of sobriety…and I have no plans of fucking that up. But under the guidance of my psychiatrist, I’m in the process of switching anti-depressants. I’m tapering off one, and it’s a quick taper. I spoke to my psychiatrist before leaving down because I felt I was going to explode out of my skin…I also felt like running into a brick wall repeatedly. On top of that, I felt like I had an enormous hole in the middle of myself that I desperately needed to fill. I know what I would have filled it with before, and the thoughts whizzed through my mind, but I didn’t act on them.

Today is hard, but I feel better than yesterday. I have an anti-anxiety pill if things get to bad. I wanted to type this entry to hold myself accountable and reach out to some fellow alcoholics.

I hope this finds you all well. Merry and sober Christmas Eve.




6 thoughts on “Sober but Twitchy Christmas Eve

  1. That sounds hard. I have been taking the same antidepressant for almost 3 years, partly because I’m afraid of rocking any boats..

    My holidays sound like they were similar to yours. Always looking for that extra drink/buzz. But not having any fun.

    Take care of yourself, ask your family to help you if you are struggling…even if it sounds strange. I had an episode of depression last year that scared me, but when I told others it shifted everything. I thought I would be embarrassed. But everyone only wants us to be happy.

    Hug. Merry Christmas.


    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks, Anne, thanks for replying. I feel better now, so the taper must be working. Sipping decaf now and waiting for a good supper. Merry Christmas to you, too!


  2. I’m hopeful that the taper is almost over now! It’s hard switching meds, especially during the holidays. The New Year is almost here, and I wish you may Blessings. 2 years! Amazing! 😊

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi there. I’m on the new medication now. It’ll take a little while to kick in, I suppose. At least the withdrawal from getting off the other one lasted only a few days.

      Liked by 1 person

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